Goth Chris and I trudged through the snow on our way to the Cabaret Metro. We were snowblind and delirious with flakes of whites tickling our eyelashes. Laughter keeping us warm on such a chilly night.

“it's colder than before
the seasons took all they had come for
now winter dances here
it seems so fitting don't you think?
to dress the ground in white
and gray” *

He said, “This should be on film, it’s sort of beautiful.”

“A music video” I chimed in, “for Beloved”. And I thought of you, as I always do when that song blows through my head. I memorized every beat. Every word. I don’t want to, but I wish you were here with me.

“it's so quiet I can hear
my thoughts touching every second
that I spent waiting for you
circumstances afford me
no second chance to tell you
how much I've missed you”*

At the venue, The Punk Rock Lesbian hooks us up with rockstar seating in the balcony. Seconds later the band takes the stage and the music is washing over me like a dark wave. It takes me back to another time and I realize how quickly it has all passed. An eternity in the blink of an eye. Has it really been two years? Has so much really changed?

“my beloved do you know
when the warm wind comes again
another year will start to pass
and please don't ask me why I'm here
something deeper brought me
than a need to remember”*

I danced hard. Dancing from another time when I was someone else and you were here. Picture me in the balcony. Once step for every two beats, grinding hips and arms out of control – tears stinging at my eyes.

But it was happiness washing over me, the memory of you, and the Me that I was then.

I was walking perfect steps down the aisle again. And my mother was waving to me from the first pew of the church. I hadn’t yet learned how to stumble, never felt the sting of my first fall.

“we were once young and blessed with wings
no heights could keeps us from their reach
no sacred place we did not soar
still greater things burned within us
I don't regret the choices that I've made
I know you feel the same”*

I stopped to look down on the crowd. Bodies jumping in unison. A sea of hands waving. The chorus echoes and shakes the whole place down.

“my beloved do you know
how many times I stared at clouds
thinking that I saw you there
these are feelings that do not pass so easily
I can't forget what we claimed was ours”*

I shout the lyrics of “Beloved”. My words float into the air and dance around my head. The letters sharpen, form points and stab at my heart. Until finally the music stops and the show is over.

I am spent.

“moments lost though time remains
I am so proud of what we were
no pain remains, no feeling
eternity awaits
grant me wings that I might fly
my restless soul is longing
no pain remains, no feeling
eternity awaits”*

I am spent.

I leave it behind me and make my way through the crowd.

*Lyrics from VNV Nation’s “Beloved”