Repeated viewings of the Six Feet Under finale, wailing like a completely inconsolable retard.

Taking my virtual-chihuahua “Senor Pee-Wee” out for walks and Frisbee competitions. Nintendogs OWNS.

Looking for a new apartment without success due to my phobia of DNA-ridden carpeting and unrealistic expectations about closet space.

Not drinking, smoking, swallowing, snorting or inhaling anything even remotely illegal or intoxicating. You laugh but this requires incredible self-control and lots of “I’m not going to the bar I am just going to lay on the couch and play video games.” type of declarations when your friends call for cocktails and jock-strap dance-offs.

New Salad Fingers Episode 6

Working like a fucking dog, late nights and weekends while still managing to get written up despite my efforts. Which leads to the next item on my list …

Looking for a new job because the 23-year-old theology major (formerly the CEO’s babysitter) has just been named “acting-manager” of my department despite her all around inability to grasp or perform even the most minimal task that the job requires.

Watching Bette Davis Movies

Listening to Cocteau Twins sprawled across the bed while clutching photos of lovers lost close to my heart. No, seriously … I am THAT gay.

Secret bedroom underwear dancing when I should be cleaning the apartment.

Watching crappy Super Mario and Zelda cartoons on Yahooligans for hours on end.