My head is still reeling from all of it. There’s a lot to cover and I know your attention wanes so I’ll try to make it as simple as I can.

On Friday night Miss Valium, myself and some of the other gals met up at Holiday Club for our Friday night 80’s party sans Trishelle (our recently departed to Ireland gal-pal). While it was definitely odd without her there, the liquor poured freely just the same and by the time we pulled up at Berlin I was good and wasted.

How wasted you ask? Wasted enough to make out shamelessly with a less than desirable ex on the dance floor. I think the booze coupled with pent-up sexual attraction to the 21 year old was a little too much for me to contain.

To say it was a mistake was an understatement. To blame it on the drinks is no excuse either. And still there I was, making a quick exit with this guy, hoping none of my friends would run after me at the last minute with one of those “I am not letting you leave with this guy” type of scenes.

Because I knew full well I shouldn’t have been doing what I was about to do. I just couldn’t say no.

We wound up blowing coke for an hour or so on the couch at my place and thankfully all the drugs and alcohol rendered me incapable of any sort of sex. Because if I would have had the sex with him, I don’t know how I would have endured the evil hangover AND the dirty shame of ex-boyfriend sex.

Saturday was spent on the couch nursing a headache and not answering the phone when friends called to lecture. I suppose I’ll have to face them soon enough but it was not going to be in between bouts of vomiting and head spinning.

I managed to get my act together in time for the Kathy Griffin show, which I attended with The Gay and his “bymysidegirl”.

On the car ride to Skokie The Gay filled us in on all his recent events (and boy does he have stories!) while I managed to not get lost, as I tend to do whenever I am more than five miles out of the city.

Kathy was a riot. If you know me then you understand that her brand of “Guess what I saw on TV last night” sense of humor and her obsession with all things Mary Kate and Ashley speaks to me like the voice of God.

We hooted and hollered and had an all around good time.

Afterwards we dropped off “byhisidegirl” and after a quick costume change headed over to Sidetrack to meet up with one of The Gay’s many admirers.

I had some good chat time with The Gay in regards to his love life. I always feel like we understand each other when it comes to matters of the heart. (Wouldn’t you say so, pal?)

Things got crazier when I accidentally stumbled onto a high school reunion in the new room of the bar.

As in MY HIGH SCHOOL.

No lie – two random fags and a hag from my childhood. I both and love and hate when that happens.

I love it because I never seem to have aged as much as those guys.

I hate it because it brings back a lot of old garbage that I still carry around today.

And it makes me sort of sad to think how long ago those days were and how differently I always thought things were gonna wind up.

But let’s just focus on the part where I look years younger than everybody else, okay? Good.

SO I spend some time reminiscing with those clowns, and even run into J.J. Fidgets chatting up some cute art student in a knit cap who sort of looked like Jimbo from the Simpsons.

”My shirt’s chaffing me, mind if I take it off?”

- random Simpons quote please indulge me

Anyway long story short, I stumble home wasted and fall asleep on the floor with nothing to keep me warm but my shame and the alcohol running through my veins.

Today I woke up with the 21 year old on the brain in a major way as he has been the past couple weeks. So I leave him a message to see if he wanted to hang out tonight.

He calls from the train on the way home from work to say he’s coming over.

Okay this is where the shit gets good so if you’ve kept reading this far here’s your big sappy Valentines Day pay off.

We’re listening to music, playing video games and watching the lame Grammys all at the same time.

Placeholder for Melissa Ethridge “Bald as a Beaver” joke which I will come up with later.

We wind up sort of snuggling, I’ve got my arm around him and all that business. But I still feel ... I don’t know ... uneasy?

So I bust out with something to the tune of, “Are you cool with this flirting and stuff” or something equally retarded.

Which leads to the big talk about our friendship and intimacy and all the stuff that has been simmering under the surface since our first make-out session.

So I come to find out numerous things this evening.

My favorites are the parts where he thinks I’m cute and is attracted to me and all that good stuff about how we have fun together yadda yadda yadda.

The other stuff has to do with how he has been celibate for a significant period of time and didn’t know how I would feel about it.

And we’re talking celibate on purpose, not by some cruel twist of fate.

I don’t want to say too much because I respect his feelings and the way he opened to me, but it basically boils down to the fact he is cool with everything I have in mind but nothing below the belt.

This lead to more questions, some that I asked out loud, some that I am saving for later.

We lay on the couch with our arms around each other and ... talked.

And now I feel like I know him so much better than I did before and the feelings just got that much more intense.

And while my own attitudes about sex are leap years away from his, we are the same in that we don’t enjoy sex for what it should be.

I can’t help but think that I could be the perfect person to open him up to that world; that together we could both heal a lot of the pain we have around intimacy.

Is that retarded?

I’m relieved that all this time I thought I was losing my game, or maybe crippled by the age difference, there really was something keeping us from taking that next step. I may not always understand it, but god damn I have some good intuition.

So I dropped him off and called the only person I thought might be awake at this time of night for some advice. Unfortunately that bastard is probably too busy playing World of Warcraft to answer the phone.

So I’m here instead.

So dear diaryland pals, what do you think about all this now?