Things seem to spiral further out of control the more I try to regain control of certain situations in my life.
On Saturday the 21 Year Old invited me to the Art institute’s BFA show – basically a gallery that was showing work completed by all the senior year artists.
I admit I was excited at the idea of finally meeting some of his friends and wondered if this was turning point in our friendship but ultimately I convinced myself that I was reading too much into the situation.
Surprised even, that I was thinking about him in these terms again after making a decision to cool things down emotionally.
The show was pretty impressive, I anticipated seeing the typical art school stuff (I realize that comment is a bitch of a stretch considering I never even went to art school) but I wound up being quite taken by some of the installations.
Afterwards he treated me to dinner, which sent off another signal in my head for me to quickly brush aside.
We shared a cab after that – he went home and I went to meet up with Miss Valium and the girls at a local straight bar where Cute DJ was spinning.
I ordered Jose Cuervo and ginger ale with a lime, on account of how I read in US magazine that Nick Lechey orders it all the time and you know, when I do finally meet him I wanted to make sure we had at least one thing in common.
I was hoping the drinks would take my mind off The 21 Year Old but they didn’t.
And to top it off, the drink tasted nasty, completely ruining my fantasy of sipping shots of it out of Nick Lechey’s navel.
Oh well. What’s yet another dream dashed at this point in the game?
I spun off to Sidetrack where I couldn’t find JJ Fidgets but managed to meet up with The Gay despite the insane crowd. After some good conversation about ... well, BOYS... I took off again, this time for the sanctuary of the Untz Untz club and Goth Chris pouring pineapple flavored drinks into giant glasses.
Partied with The Heeb’s boyfriend The Dancer and got into some trouble playing pranks on the hustlers – oops – I mean hosts. Shirtless guys were forced to make their pecs dance for our amusement. We made a few show us their undies and even made one strip altogether.
At some point in the evening I had forgotten all about The 21 Year Old and turned into some kind of drunk pervert.
I woke up on the floor of my apartment not quite sure how I had gotten there.
Luckily there was no rectal bleeding or any sign of penetration whatsoever. I must have some guardian angels somewhere.
I dozed in and out throughout the day until The 21 Year Old called to invite me to dinner again and at the risk of sounding completely love struck I will say that my heart raced a bit. Well, as much as being hung over allows anyway.
I met him at the record shop and we left after some halfhearted attempts at shopping on my part. I just couldn’t seem to focus. A quick bite to eat and then we settled at his place to watch The Queens of Comedy.
He got high, I took a pass.
The lights were low, I was still feeling tired and sleepy so I attempted to curl up and snuggle on his futon.
This was met with ... I don’t know, resistance maybe? At the very least indifference and I began to wonder just what the hell this boy is up to. At any other time I would have been fired up for a round of 20 Questions but the fog of being hung over and the dent in my pride kept me from doing so.
Instead I just left.
I don’t know when this happened but god dammit I have feelings for him. Despite what my friends are telling me and in spite of all The Voices going round in my head.
Somewhere along the way I have fallen for this kid.
And worse yet, I feel a little bruised. Some of you know me well enough to realize that when my feelings get hurt I tend to get angry.
So that’s basically where I am at right now. More confused than ever about everything – his celibacy, his intentions, my intentions...
It is giving me a dull ache in the back of head and heavy feeling in my chest that no amount of prescription pills can take away – Trust me on this I’ve been trying all night.
Perhaps Vicodin #4 will grant me the blissful sleep and numb indifference that eludes me ...