It seems like the older I get the harder it is for me to actually KEEP IT IN MY PANTS so to speak.
I think on some deeper, biological level something is telling me to go forth into the world and spread my seed, urging me to want to fuck everything in sight.
I am trying in my own way to evolve past this but it’s pretty tough.
Given the current situation with the 21 year old, I think it’s probably best that we keep it on a friend level. Or so I convince myself when he’s not around.
But when I’m with him, an he goes off on some tangent about translating Japanese Turbografx games or something equally SEXY I can barely keep my hands to myself.
Tonight we went to Clarke’s for bad food and dead baby jokes. Afterwards I invited him back to my place to try and convince him that Clocktower 3 is way better as a third person adventure than it’s “point and click” predecessors.
He laughed off most of the good scares but I think he was impressed at the new gameplay mechanics nonetheless.
I was on my best behavior, mostly keeping to my side of the couch even when he seemed to slither a bit closer.
As I drove him home I contemplated the goodnight moment and whether or not it would include a kiss, then decided against it.
But when he got out of the car I couldn’t help but feel disappointed.
Thing is, I know that I am looking for something deeper and long lasting. I think I’m ready to give the relationship thing another go so why I am spending my time with someone who obviously isn’t on the same path in life? Oh sure he might think he is looking for the “one”. But really, how often does that happen at the age of 21? For gay boys especially. I know better than him.
But still ... he’s so cute. A SCORPIO!And the trouble we could get into ... and oh god the attraction is definitely there but ...
I just don’t want to spend the rest of my life hooking up with fuck buddies and having these complicated friendships that cross over into sex and then back again with more frequency than the wax and wane of the moon.
Life just has to be a little better with someone to share it with, doesn’t it?
It’s the curse of my sex, I tell you. Some deep-rooted biological programming that makes me want to bump uglies with every cute boy I see.
It confuses me, casting shadows on the path I need to be on.
But I’m keeping my eyes on the brass ring, people. I won’t lose sight of what I’m really looking for.
While I’m sober anyway.