Here’s a brief and essential list of qualities you should look for in locating the perfect bachelor for me:
He will be a N-E-R-D
He will be sort of chub but not fat (think George from Grey’s Anatomy), a thick build that is a dead giveaway for constant binging on beer and pizza.
He will sound a lot like Homer Simpson, especially in bed.
He will leave me alone during the work week. He won’t call me up at midnight to talk about my “feelings” (but occasionally he may call for phone sex.)
He will be a top mostly, but would be able to sustain a good ass-fucking when necessary without being a total girl about it (my job)
He will want to have sex all weekend long.
Except for when I am playing video games. At those times he will draw me elaborate maps, look up game FAQs on-line and bring me snacks.
He won’t try to make me buy designer clothes. He will think my jeans and t-shirts are perfectly appropriate for any occasion.
He will make his own damn money. I don’t care how much, just so long as its enough that he doesn’t have to bug me for any of mine.
He will not throw fits about meeting my mom and will generally keep his mouth shut on the subject and act like she doesn’t exist. He would most certainly never ever suggest that my mother and I need to have an open and frank discussion about butt sex.
No dogs.
Okay maybe one cute tiny one but no tongue kissing dogs and then coming after me with that germ pool. Blech!
He will give in to most of my whims and schemes but he should know when to draw the line. For instance “stealing little Japanese baby girls out of strollers on the street” – this is always a bad idea. The right guy will be able to distract me with candy or anything Hello Kitty until little Japanese girl is safely out of my grasp.
He will never, ever, under any circumstances EVER mutter the question “How many gameboys do you need?”
He will like good music and take me to all kinds of concerts.
He will be borderline alcoholic and social drug user but know how to keep it in check.
He will know how to cook or at least make cupcakes.
He will have a big one but not so big as to cause any rectal bleeding or make giving a blow job utterly impossible.
He will have a secret signing voice that only comes out in the car or when you catch him in the shower. But never, ever when I am watching godamn Days of Our Lives.
And most importantly, He should have a few freckles for me to count when I can’t fall asleep.