I fumble with the words. They drop out of my mouth stubborn and clumsy like a turd.

He thinks it’s the kiss off – It isn’t.

For the first time in my life I am finding it hard to give in to this, whatever you want to call it – romance, love, relationship …

I’m just paralyzed in the face of it. I teeter on the edge but instead of falling, I’m just frozen in space.

I can watch it happening all around me. I just can’t be a part of it. Not completely - not the way that I should.

I don’t trust him. I don’t trust myself. I wish there was a way to show him where I’ve been. Take him back to the beginning. Make him understand.

But the right words don’t come. The ones that do sound like,

“It’s not you, it’s me ….”

Or

“I’m just in a weird place right now”

And I know what that must sound like but …NO

I don’t want to lose him.

And yet the idea of falling in love with someone and the romantic notions of gazing into someone’s eyes are a far cry from the reality of it.

Especially when I can’t keep my own eyes from turning away. When the gaze can’t be returned because damn it there are just some things too rotten and broken for him to see.

And other things that will always belong to someone else.

In reality, all this falling in love business is terrifying.